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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Going down in Flames

After re-living the last part to this story I had to step away for a bit. It affected me a lot more than I had expected, and when I had sat down to start part 9 I found a mental roadblock. It took a subtle yet well needed scolding from my good friend Mallori to realize I need to get my butt in gear and get this series done. Time to move on with my life. Thanks girlie..

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Going down in Flames 

I honestly don't remember a lot of details after that moment.

All I remember is hearing a memory of my little sister Danielle's 
voice from when I was in labor with Kai reminding me to breathe...

...Breathe Jaimie...

 What is happening?


Why are my ears ringing?


I feel dizzy.


Maybe I should sit down.


"What are you saying Ryan? Do you want a divorce?"

I looked up at him in disbelief of the question I was having to ask.

"Yes? No.. Shit.. No! I don't know! It's just, I'm just... I'm not happy Jaimie!"

As I watched this man, who had promised to love and care for me for the rest of our lives, to have and to hold through better or worse till death do us part, struggle with the confusion of emotions he was experiencing all I felt was a wave of hurt. 

But not just for myself, for Ryan as well. I could see he was lost. 

I love this man, with every fiber of my being. He had been my better half for over a decade. So though it may be hard for many others to understand, in that moment I felt compassion. I felt understanding. I felt LOVE.

MY love.

In that moment, when Ryan sank to his knees in front of me placing his head on my lap I could feel his pain as he began to cry. 

"I don't know... Jaimie. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have told you like that. I don't want to lose you baby, ofcourse not. I'm so sorry, I was just mad. But I AM unhappy Jaimie. I don't know why, but I am. I have been for awhile now, I just didn't know how to tell you... Please forgive me baby, please... I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you."

He still loved me. 

I knew it right then. In 11 years Ryan had never had anything anywhere close to a moment of weakness like this. 11 years Ryan had never slipped up in this way. 11 years...

My decision was made.

I was not going to let whatever this was take away the last decade of happiness. I was not going to let a moment of weakness destroy the life we had built together. 

I was going to fight.

& I was going to save us.

Or at least go down in flames trying.


The next few days were shaky, and awkward.

Ryan & I were so cautious around each other it was almost painful. What made it worse was the fact that we were still living with Tori & her husband. We had to sit by quietly watching Tori go on in her relationship unscathed. Meanwhile Ryan & I are fighting for our lives to keep our marriage hanging on by the few threads it had left. We had good days, and we had bad. But the bad often would lean more toward horrible, & being that Tori's husband was a long time friend of mine he would notice the ongoing, knew something big had happened, and was concerned. But for the first time in 16 years, I wouldn't talk to him. I couldn't confide in him, and that set him on unease. So he would ask Tori, trying to get some answers from her. Not knowing quite what to do she began to tell him half-truths. Painting Ryan as this horrid guy, and pushing her husband to believe that maybe I need to move on with my life.

Because if he was focusing on how horrible my marriage was,
 he would never think twice about his own.

Then Ryan tried leaving, twice. As in packing an overnight, kissing Kai goodbye. The first time I was able to calm him down and see reason. To talk to me instead of yelling. The second time wasn't so simple. The second time he actually made it out the door, while I'm crying on our bedroom floor feeling that this might actually be it. 

What stopped him?

Was it my tears heard through our window? Was it the thought of his baby boy waking up and not having his daddy to cuddle? No. I will give you one guess.

Running out the door and begging him to talk to her, Tori was the only thing that calmed him. The only thing that brought him back inside. And with a kiss and a plea to 
stay for her is the only reason my husband slept in our bed that night.

I love and hate her for that moment.

On one of our better moments I noticed Tori & Ryan really not getting along again. Wondering if I did something to provoke the mood swing I asked Tori what was wrong. Her answer could not have shocked me more...

"I'm kinda over it Jaimie. Seriously. When we started this it was an escape, a release. Something forbidden, exciting, & fun. But since you found out it has been nothing but turmoil and strife and I just don't need that in my life!"


"Well I'm so sorry that telling me the truth has caused you so much stress Tori."

"Don't even be like that Jaimie. Besides, I was attracted to Ryan because of how he has always treated you. Watching how he has been the past few weeks towards you is kind of a turn off, to be honest."

This was the point where I was mentally struggling with the urge to laugh out loud at her absolute lack of tact, and the need to scratch out her eyeballs for thinking I give a damn that she is stressed out by this. 

But it was in that moment that I saw my solution.

Over the next few days I made a request of both Tori & Ryan.

It was the start of December, my favorite time of the year. This is the time when I'm constantly cooking & baking & party planning. I wanted nothing more than to have a stress free holiday. So I asked that they take a complete break from each other for the month. Ending after my birthday on the 1st of January. 
All I wanted for Christmas & my birthday was my normal life.
 That was it.

 They both understood and things were peaceful for two whole weeks. Ryan & I even seemed happier, better. We took a trip to Spokane for 4 days and had a blast, 
laughing and loving like we hadn't in months.

When we got back home I told Ryan I felt great, and felt like we were doing so much better. I understood it was the holidays and that Tori was, first and foremost his friend as well. So I was okay with them at least being able to talk to each other. This made Ryan so happy, and made him even better and more open towards me. But Tori could feel the difference in us. I'm not sure she liked it, but I'm not sure she didn't either. I could tell she wasn't entirely comfortable with how comfortable we were with each other. 

You see, Ryan & I, we are a weird set of human beings. We don't function the way normal people do under society rules. We understand mistakes are mistakes, and as human beings we are bound to make them. We also understand that in each other we find the solace and respect of not only a lover, but a best friend. Because of that we have realized over the years that if we can get to a point where we can joke about a situation that has previously brought us down we can control it more. If we can laugh and poke fun at it then it no longer holds power over us. 

Not everybody likes this about us.
(oh well.)

One particular example is while we were decorating the tree, I made an off-hand comment to Ryan that we should look into a couples swinger cruises. Why not? 
Meet some new people, have some fun, let our freak flag fly! 

Now not that I'm completely against this idea since, as I have said before it was never the sex that upset me, but the disloyalty.. but in that moment I was joking, and it was VERY obvious. Ryan & I were laughing at the notion when I noticed Tori become standoffish. Very shortly afterward she locked herself in her room in a hissyfit of frustration. 

Ryan later got her to fess up that she was mad that he was talking about going on a cruise with me. Meeting other people with me. Possibly sleeping with someone other than her.


But I left it alone. I didn't get mad. I didn't even mention it. 

And then my Christmas party happened.

Every year I throw a Christmas party for all of our close friends. I make a full dinner, with ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and a few sides and everyone brings a side or dessert to share. We drink wine, play games, exchange white elephant gifts, generally just enjoy each others company.

But this time was different.

There was a tension in the air that EVERYONE could feel. And as much as I was trying to busy myself in the kitchen and focus on my guests, I couldn't help but notice the frustration radiating off Ryan. The upset look Tori had glued to her face. The fact that a few different times they would disappear into our room only to emerge even more irritated. 

I was pretty sure I knew what was happening. A few days before I had noticed a post from Tori on her Tumblr that had caught my attention. 

(Trust me, I'm aware of the immature nature of that situation, just roll with it.)

She had posted a picture that she had obviously made that rang a little to slap-in-the-face. Just words on a background, but enough to leave a mark.

To the guy who said 
"I don't sleep around. 
I don't have sex with just anyone." 

Yeah your full of shit.

That might not be exact (It was almost a year ago) but it's the same idea.

I had pointed this out to Ryan as I was pretty sure he had told me he had said those exact words to Tori during one of there many times together. This was obviously directed at him because of the "swingers cruise" ordeal. I understood when this upset him, but I asked him to wait till after the party to talk to her about it... 
Something told me he hadn't waited.

When it got to the point where some of my closest girlfriends where noticing as well, I slapped on a smile & silently excused myself to the room where they where shouting at each other. 

"What. In the world. Are you two THINKING?!"

The both looked at me like I was insane.

"I had to talk to her about the picture Jaimie, I had to."

"We have GUESTS. Close friends who are NOT oblivious to your two's ridiculous displays of frustration towards each other and false sense of assumption that nooooo one is noticing you slinking off to our room and yelling so loud we can all hear you through the walls! I don't give a shit WHAT your doing just KNOCK. IT. OFF. One day. I asked for ONE DAY. 
You two can be so utterly selfish I SWEAR to GOD."

And with that I turned and walked back out the door without another glance at their stunned faces. Of course I noticed the sudden flurry of conversation our friends started the second I was back in the living area, but I was to upset to care. And embarrassed beyond belief. And sad... very sad.

So I shut off. My smile became that of a Stepford wife. I rolled on with the rest of the night and the next few weeks to come like nothing in the world could dent my day.

I had to. Because I knew what was coming. I knew I was on the verge of a breakdown. 
I knew I was reaching the end of my patience. And with the end of my patience, would come the end to this hell on earth I was living. 

I was done. Done being sad. Done walking on eggshells. Done feeling like I WAS THE ONE who had done something wrong. Done watching my life catch fire every few days while hers was still calm and content. Done with having to lie everyday about what was going on in my life.

I. Was. DONE.

When everything finally came to fruition, everyone would know the truth.
One way or another, I would be done with this situation. 

(To be continued...)


Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Joey... why is there a book in the freezer?

Just another serving of

Legos In My Pocket

with this weeks shout out going to the stunningly beautiful miss

Jennifer Aniston

I mean, seriously. She's GORGEOUS. 


...She's adorable...

...She's sexy...

...She's trendsetting...
(you know you wanted that "Rachel" cut)

 She's just too much awesome not to be on the list. 

Plus, I mean.. Come on:

 It's like the woman never ages!
Seriously.. what I would pay to look even a HINT that amazing..

 I'm insanely jealous.
She's absolutely my #WCW gal.

Plus she not afraid to be funny:

We love you Jen, stay fabulous.


Shades of Foggy Grey

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Shades of Foggy Grey

From that point on a lot happened. Most of which I can honestly say I don't remember. Not just that day but in the weeks that followed. Moments stand out furiously in my memory, when things when get extreme in one way or another.. But I couldn't put it into a timeline if I wanted to. It's all way to choppy.

I do remember telling Tori and Ryan that I wanted 1 day. 1 more day of normal before my life went to shit. So That Sunday we got a babysitter, and the three of us played boardgames and got drunk in my dad's RV where we were staying. 

Did I really need that? Yes. 100%
Was it a smart idea? Absolutely not.
Did I have fun? Most of the night..

At one point after many many shots, I came to the conclusion that this had obviously gone on for this long without my knowledge, So who was to say it wouldn't continue? I decided then to adopt the "Keep your friends close & your enemies closer" mantra. Maybe if I seemed more open to accept what they had done then i could become more in control of the situation. If they felt I wouldn't react negatively then they might be less likely to hide things from me. 

So I began to have them kiss here and there. On like a spin-the-bottle / take a shot-give a kiss kind of way. Like a drinking game. I can only assume my train of thought was to see how much I could handle. How I would feel about seeing them together, and possibly desensitize myself. 

Trust me, I'm aware how ridiculous that sounds.
 I plead insanity.

But as the night progressed so did the game, and the actions it entailed. The next morning along with a nasty hang over come the feeling of confusion and disgust at the things I had been a part of. What had I done? Lets just say in that moment I was no longer just a victim to the crimes, I was an accomplice.

Tori & Ryan were completely ecstatic. To them I had joined the team. I was a part of their little world. A polyamourous third in their new adventures. They spent the next 2 weeks setting up secret meetings for the three of us at restaurants and parks so Tori's husband wouldn't know. Doing everything they could to convince me that this was meant to be. That Tori & I had always been so close we called each other "Wifey" so why not make it real? It wasn't completely unheard of, and it just felt right!

But it didn't.

Where they were so happy I was so lost.
And scared.
I genuinely thought that if I was to be honest about how I felt I would lose one or both of them. If I was to say just how wrong I thought this was, how disgusted I was at being part of the betrayal of Tori's husband, how much it hurt to watch Ryan put his arm around her.. 

I felt I had no one to turn to for guidance. 

Again I called Summer.
She was the only person I could think of that would be non-judgemental. The only one that Knew I could cry to uncontrollably and not be laughed at when my decision was not to leave the situation. And thank god I did, she was my savior. Her gentle words of understanding and compassion were a god send during the time that followed. 

Pretty quickly I was able to let Tori & Ryan know I was uncomfortable with "3-is-a-couple" thing when Tori asked me if I would officially be her girlfriend. That was my final straw. I took a step back from everything telling them that it was all to much and that I couldn't stop them from what they were doing, but I wasn't a part of it anymore. 

However, I did mention that should things continue between the two of them, I was to know. Tori choosing to lie to her husband was on her, but i was giving Ryan the chance to not lie anymore to me. 

This went on for awhile. And as Tori refused to tell her husband about what had happened, and Ryan & I had no other options we continued with our previous plans of moving in together.

(Again, Insanity plea as already been entered.)

At first this worked okay, but not to soon after Tori became unhappy. In her words:

"I'm just not comfortable with you knowing everything that's going on. Not to be rude, but what happens between Ryan & I is our business, not yours."

Excuse me?

What your telling me, is that you want privacy?
 While you sleep with my husband?

She must have been out of her damn mind.

 And I promptly told her exactly that.
She didn't like that so much...

I informed her that it was infact rude, and selfish to assume that I would give her ANY privacy in the matter after everything that had come to pass. Ryan WOULD give me the respect I deserve and tell me whatever I want to know. I mean I AM HIS WIFE, not her. End of story.

So to exact a passive-aggressive "revenge" if you will, Tori started making Ryan pay for my actions that she felt were not to her liking. Giving him the cold shoulder. Not participating the way she normally would in conversations. Even avoiding him & I both, locking herself and Linnie in her room all night.

This wouldn't have been a big deal to me, but to Ryan it really hurt. In turn, he began to take his frustrations out on me. Becoming impatient & unkind for no reason. Un-attentive and offish during normal "us" things. Nasty and cruel during fights. 

   One such fight, he broke.

I couldn't even tell you what it was about, definitely something small and unworthy of such a reaction, but your heart can make you crazy.

I knew he had hit bottom when he said the one thing I had been dreading.

"That's it Jaimie! I can't do this! I love you, I always will, but we have grown apart! I'm not IN love with you anymore, okay? We are DONE Jaimie! DONE."

My world, in that moment went silent.

 (To be continued..)


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

The Ultimate Betrayal

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

The Ultimate Betrayal

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. Everything seemed to disappear.
Including the ground beneath my feet.

There was no way I heard her correct.
There was no way Tori would have done that,
There's no way Ryan would have lied.

You must have missed something. There has got to be a reason or something that will make this all make sense. There is no way that this is as bad as it sounds. I mean its just sex, right? Yeah. It's no big deal. Breathe.

"Okay...Okay. Sure.. So that happened. No big deal. Sex is sex,right? When did it happen?"


When I looked at Tori her face was pained.

"Which time?"

Oh, ouch. 
There's still gotta be something here that I haven't caught. 
Some good reason why they never told me... why they lied...

"How many times were there, Tori?"

I saw her wince with the small amount of acid I was 
unable to keep from my voice when saying her name.

"How many times Tori?"
"Just slow down."
"Tori. How many? Twice? Three times?"

She gazed down at her feet unable to meet my stare.

"Every Saturday for the last 2 months."

There it was. The final punch to the gut. 
I couldn't believe it. 
Two months.
Two months?!

The math calculated quickly in my head. 
All the pieces falling together in an instantaneous light-bulb of clarity. 

The last two months.
 That means Kai was only about a month old when the first time happened.
My grip on Kai slackened.

"You need to take Kai."
"Jaimie, are you sure?"
"Tori, take Kai right now. NOW."

As she reached over cautiously I released Kai to her.

"After what I just told you, are you sure you want me to hold your son?'

My brain was clear. There was no confusion.

After everything I had done for her. Every moment I had spent. Doctors appointments. Birthing classes. Emergency rooms. Acupuncturists. Baby Showers.. Making sure I was there for her, supporting her in every way I could before AND After her daughters birth... 
And THIS was the way she felt like returning the favor?!

"Oh Yeah, Tori. I do. Because right now I want to kill you. Right now I want to scratch out your eyes and rip out all your hair. Right now, I cannot trust myself to not make a choice I will regret later. Right now, My son is the ONLY thing keeping me from hurting you."

At this point  I stood and walked away from her, calling Ryan.

"You have about 2 seconds to get in your car and get your ass here before I murder her. Do you understand me?"

I needed to walk. I needed to calm down. I really needed to breathe.
 Suddenly I was taken off guard by a small tap on my knee


It was Linnie. She was looking up at me with a very worried look.

"NiNi? Whats wrong? Are you okay? 
Are you mad at mommy? Mommy what did you do? Mommy says sorry to NiNi!!"

I couldn't help but smile, this little girl was so precious.

"NiNi come swing with me, it will make you happy."

So I did. Without another word I left Kai with Tori and allowed Linnie to lead me by the hand towards the swings were we played for about 10 minutes before I was calm enough to head back near Tori.

"Thank you pumpkin."
"Your welcome NiNi."

As I walked away feel my heart swell for this little girl. How much this simple act of selfishness could rip her world in two. My heart breaks even more.

Looking up in Tori's direction I noticed Ryan's car pull up. I met him next to his car.

"Are you kidding me?"
"Jaimie, I'm so sorry.."
"Are you FUCKING kidding ME?!"
"I Know, I Know.."
"I can't fucking BELIEVE you Ryan! You had me thinking I was CRAZY! You had me thinking that it was all me! That I was seeing things where I shouldn't and was so wrong to not believe you! AND THEN you SWORE on Kai! On our SON!!"
"I know.. I have no idea what I was thinking.."
"You weren't thinking." 
"I know, Baby.. I'm so sorry.."
"Don't. Don't 'baby' me right now, okay? I am SO not okay with you right now."
"I know.. All I can say is I'm so sorry.."
"Then just stop talking. Seriously. I just can't take it... Seriously, TORI?!"

At that moment I walked back toward Tori with Ryan following behind. 

"I want to know everything."
"Everything, Tori."
"Jaimie, I don't.."
"EVERYTHING god dammit!"

And then I sat, and listened. While a chronological detailed play-by-play was weaved by the two most important people in my life about the biggest betrayal I had ever experienced. I never said a word. I didn't cry. I just listened. 

"The thing is I never stopped loving you Jaimie, I swear. I still love you, absolutely from the bottom of my heart. I just also love her too."

I watched Tori's face register complete shock 
while that last statement knocked me off guard.
"Excuse me? You what? You LOVE her?"
"Yes. Absolutely." 

THAT was my undoing. 

"Oh, my god. Oh my god! Seriously? So you love her! Oh, That makes it all make sense! Cause that thing that we took the last 11 years building and making into a feeling that was undeniable, so unbreakable, so un-imitated.. you guys guys have that already! After such a short time too! Wow.. it must be meant to be.."
"Jaimie, don't be like that."
"No! Really Ryan! I mean, seriously it MUST be! Because why else on EARTH would you throw away every bit of honesty and TRUST that we had in our ELEVEN YEARS together, huh?! It would HAVE to be for fate! Right?! 
Because you two LOVE each other! That has to be it! Because otherwise I might just lose my damn MIND if its just because you wanted to try something new!"

But as I said this I look in Tori's direction and register the shock on her face.
"What Tori? What?! You didn't want him to tell me? 
Didn't want him to break the news that your in love?"


Then I realize. It's not shock of Ryan telling me his feelings.. it's from hearing them herself. I know Tori, and she was not aware of the depth of Ryan's feelings.. and something was telling me she wasn't quite on the same wavelength.

"It's just... no! I do care for you Ryan!"
"But.. I've told you. I still love my husband.."
"I know, & I still love Jaimie. But.."
"Buuuut... I don't know Ryan! Love? This was just supposed to be fun! A getaway... Love?"
 "But Tori!"

And in that moment, I broke. My brain lost it's ability to function properly. In that moment watching my husband, the love of MY life try to iron out the relationship status he has with his mistress who happens to be my best FRIEND..I lost it.

And I began to laugh.

Not just giggle.. not a polite I-can-hide-it kind of laugh.
I was LAUGHING. Full on grabbing my sides, tears in my eyes laughing.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh.. but seriously. This is to much!"

Ryan and Tori just watched while I got myself somewhat under control. 
But my laughing had caught Linnie's attention and she came running over. 

"Aunt Nini, whats so funny? Oh! Uncle RyRy! Hi! Have you come to play?"
"Oh, No baby girl. Not today."
"Oh, have you come to talk to mommy?
"Yeah, I'm sorry baby."
"We are going to get going soon, okay Linnie? So get all your swinging and sliding done now before we have to go."
"Okay NiNi!"

As I watched her run off a thought occurred to me.

"Where was Linnie."
"What do you mean?"

"Where was Linnie when all this was happening? 
I know you didn't leave her home, I never babysat."
 "No... She was with us."
"With you?!"
"Well, she would stay in my car.."
"..And we would go into mine." 

I was appalled.

"So you would just leave Linnie, in the car by herself.. So you two could go mess around?"
"Well, yeah.. But she would have a movie or my phone for games. Most of the time she would be asleep since it was so late."
"And we would leave the window down so we could hear her."

They said this like it made it better.

"So more than likely, since you could hear her.. 
it could be assumed that if she was awake she could hear you." 

Neither of them had an answer.

I looked directly at Tori. I no longer cared if what I was about to say was going to piss her off. I had heard enough.

"Bad mommy. Bad friend, Bad mommy. And YOU.."
as I turned to Ryan.
"Bad uncle for not thinking about anyone else but yourselves."

I couldn't handle anymore. 

We might have talked a little more but I don't remember any of it. I remember being asked what I wanted to do next. Tori was fully prepared for me to tell her husband, who she was sure would promptly leave her. 

"No, Tori. that's the thing. I do try my best to think about how my actions will hurt others. Sometimes I don't, but most of the time I make it a priority. In this case, all I can think about is your beautiful daughter, and how this horrible decision on your part could ruin her entire life. No, I refuse to be the one that drops that bombshell on her life. YOU will be the one to tell your husband and break his heart. YOU will be the one who has to look into his eyes and tell him that he was wrong to put all his trust into you. YOU, not me. I will not tell him. But you will. And you better not let this go on and on. If a year from now I'm still sitting with the elephant in the room because you can't man up yourself I WILL press the issue. I WILL put you in a situation where you have no choice but to tell him. Do you understand me?"

All I got was a head nod.

We agreed that I needed time to myself and that Ryan would take Kai. We agreed that we would go about things as planned before for the time being while Tori built up the courage to tell her husband. Why I agreed to that I will never know. I think at that point I was needing some control, and the "keep your enemies closer" mantra was on a replay loop in my brain.

When we all packed up and got into our cars to leave my brain went foggy. I almost couldn't remember how to start my car. I honestly shouldn't have been driving but I needed to get as far away from that place as possible. 

As I drove I knew I needed to clear my head. I needed to process everything that just happened so that I could think straight. Normally I would call Tori and think out loud with her input to help the process, but that was obviously out of the question.

I had no idea what to do.

I honestly don't even remember dialing the phone, 
but the next thing I know Summer is on my speaker phone. 

(*For those of you who don't know, Summer is not another "best friend." I don't ever call her that, because she is so much more. We have known each other since we were around two years old and she may not always be my favorite person in the whole world, but we would go to the end of the earth and more for one another. She's not another best friend, She is my sister.*)
"Ryan has been having an affair for the last 2 and a half months with Tori."

...There was a brief pause...

"Excuuuse me?" 

And then I began to cry.

"Tell me your talking about the Tori from his work..."
"You have no idea how much I wish I was."

Through sobs as I clumsily drove home I began to relive that last 2 hours to her in the quickest form I could. By the end I was so overcome with the emotions I had held in I was barely able to breathe through my tears.

"Oh my gawd."

My thoughts exactly.

(To be continued...)

Don't forget to check out
my photo blog Pocket Memories


Monday, September 15, 2014

Ever since Songs about Jane...

Just to start our week off on good note, This weeks addition to

Legos In My Pocket

Adam Levine

I honestly don't need to say much..

He sings, he dances, he plays many instruments...

He loves cars

and yoga

and dogs

He's 50% of one of the greatest Bromance of all time

 And he looks great with or without a shirt on...

Dressed in a suit & tie

or in nothing at all for that matter!

Ohhhh my... YUM!

Your welcome.
Have a nice day ladies 


*All pics and GIFs thanks to Google image search*

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