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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

She has NO idea.

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

She has NO idea.

Things were falling apart. 
I could feel it.

& I was helpless.

I reached out to Tori the next day, hoping her short span of time around both of us could provide an outsiders opinion. See something I was missing.

The only opinion she had was that we needed to come home.

"I think you guys being apart while he's at work is going to be a bad idea." 

What was I supposed to do? We were starting our family in our new home. A home I had worked really hard on the last 6 months to make exactly that... a HOME. 
Why in the world would I move away? 

In the end it worked out that we needed to move back for a short period anyways so that I could finish the schooling that I had put a hold on when Kai was born. It had always been the plan for me to finish once Kai was old enough, but being in Spokane was presenting to be a problem for my school. We had already talked to Tori & her husband about moving in with them again as we had a few years before, just long enough for me to finish school and then head back to Spokane. They wanted to be done with the roommate they had at the time and it would allow for an easy financial change over for them. So the search to find a place big enough for our two families began.

Durring that time things grew worse between Ryan and I. Somewhere along the way he confessed that he was talking via text to the Tori from his work, but that was all that it was. Knowing my husband had no experience in being anything other than monogamous, this calmed my fears for a short bit since I figured it was just an attention thing.

Nothing to worry about.
Just a fling.
Just texting.

And Snapchat.

For the record, I seriously hate that app. 

After a few weeks it became obvious my husband was getting a little more invested than "Just texting" with this girl. Now that I knew about it he made no attempt to hide the fact that he was exchanging time with me or talking to me for time spent with or talking to her. I was instantly knocked down a few pegs on his importance scale. 

It's just the attention. It feels great to be wanted by someone new. 
He hasn't had that for along time..something new. Give him a break.

That's what I would tell myself.

But as he felt better and better about himself because of this other girl, who I irritatingly referred to as "his little missy" or just "Missy" for short so as I wouldn't get her name confused with that of my Tori... I felt less and less important. 
Less and less wanted. Less and less loved. 

I never felt like he didn't love me.. I just felt less loved as I had before.
And everytime that he left Kai & I home in Spokane to drive back to Seattle for work,
 the time alone was agony.

So I made a decision. 

I called my dad and asked if it was okay for Ryan, Kai & I to stay in his new (very nice) motor home for a month or two while we looked for a place in the area to move into with Tori & her family. My Dad was all to happy to help since it meant his one and only grandson would be steps away from his front door. 

I told Ryan the next time he came home what the new plan was, and I was surprised when he wasn't happy about it! Up until that, he had been sleeping on a twin mattress that we had shoved into the back of his outback. I thought he would be thrilled to sleep on a normal bed. I also thought he would be a lot happier not having to be away from Kai & I so much... especially Kai. But as we made the move I could tell how unhappy this was making him. How irritated he was to have us around. 

How is it that my best friend, the man I have spent the last eleven years with, the man I married and had the most beautiful baby with, suddenly loathes my company?

I was so lost.

"Tori, I don't know what to do. I'm trying everything. I'm dressing nice everyday. I'm being so super sweet. I'm being calm and happy and understanding. I'm here for him. but he's shutting me out. He doesn't even want to hold me.. or kiss me, let alone anything else. He's never, EVER been one to turn down sex.. yet I have gotten every excuse under the sun for the last two weeks from him. He doesn't even really seem to want to hold Kai.."

"Well hunny, he's distancing himself. He says he feels lost as well. Like Something broke and you guys are having a hard time fixing it."

"But if he wont even talk to me about it, if he wont even try! I just don't.. wait, when did he talk to you?!"

"He called me and asked for some advice, thats all."

But something about that didn't seem right.
That didn't at all seem like my Ryan.

Ryan felt that he couldn't talk to Tori because he felt she would always take my side no matter what. He had always told me felt uncomfortable talking to her about things because he knew she would just turn around and tell me anyways..

So why would he call her?

Over the next week or so I started to ask more questions. Paying more attention to who he was talking to. More and more, I came to notice Tori, not Missy in Ryan's phone log. Yes, I will even admit I checked his phone.. something I don't normally make a habit of. Matter of fact I am the one scolding my girlfriends when they tell me they are doing the same thing.

"I just need to know what's going on Tori! Something is not right.. 
I mean, why wouldn't he tell me that he's talking to you even? I mean, you two talk all the time! I saw his call records on his phone.."

This was not a simple statement. I knew what I was doing.
 I was checking an idea.. a thought I was hoping was wrong.

Two days later the opportunity to see Ryan's phone presented itself again. 
When I checked, my suspicions were confirmed.

"I'm TELLING you Tori! It's so weird, I was telling you about checking his phone, which I never do.. never had a need before.. but then the next time I look at his phone, everything is erased. Everything! Call logs, texts, everything! I'm telling you he must have overheard me or I let it slip or something, cause he never does that. He has a horrible memory, he leaves everything so he can check back when he forgets what he talked about. It's really out of character. I tried talking to him about it, but he won't say a word. You didn't say anything to him did you? It's so weird that it just happens to be after I said something to you! Like what he's hiding IS the fact that he's talking to you! I'm telling you... he MUST have over heard me."

He hadn't overheard me. I knew this. There was no way. He wasn't even home the day I had talked to Tori about it. I knew she must have said something to him during one of their talks. But now I had made it known to her that I knew what was going on. 

Passive-aggressive I know, & completely not my style.. but it was Tori's style. And now that I knew she was talking to him more than she was leading on, I started noticing signs of her in conversations I would have with Ryan. 

The next two weeks were touch and go.. I'm not even entirely sure of what happened along that time. All I know is I became even less aware of little Missy from his work, and increasingly convinced there was a bigger thing happening.

I was convinced that with all her attempts at trying to save my marriage,
 Tori had succeeded in nothing but my husband falling for her..
 & I didn't even think she had realized it.

 (to be continued...)


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Geting back to the hunt...

 Joining Ashley over at Ramblings & Photos for

1. Home
Potty Training... What a fun & patient experience!
2. Guilty Pleasure

...I love taking pictures of them while they are sleeping...

3. Lucky

To have this place to disappear to when things get rough. To have this place of serenity. 
My own little bubble of peace. Must be luck <3

 4. Heart

My Heart, my soul, my everything. I am nothing without these two.

5. Window

Aquariums are windows into a whole new world. I love watch Kai's light up as he discovers more and more on our adventures, He's such a smart little boy!

Next week:
1. Table Setting
2. Flowers
3. Children
4. Running
5. Photographer's Choice


Monday, August 18, 2014

Oh just for fun...

Cause why not?

This weeks Hunk-a-lunk?

Joe Manganiello
He was beefy protective werewolf on True Blood

He dressed as a fireman & held his own with fellow #MCM hunk Channing Tatum

He looks dead sexy all cleaned up & in a suit

and absolutely mouth watering all scruffy and unkempt


"Put your clothes back on Joe."

Said no one. Ever.

Now go enjoy the rest of your day... 


Happy Monday!

Legos In My Pocket


Friday, August 15, 2014

BookClub: The Academy Book 1- Introductions

So first of all, I have found a new website called BookBub.com*** where you can sign up for free daily emails that will give you a list of recommended e-books and give them to you at a free or discounted price.  Now originally I thought that had to only be books that nobody's heard of or crap books, but so far I've read some pretty good ones! 

Now BookBub doesn't actually sell you the books, they just alert you for what comes up on popular book store sites like Barnes & Noble, Apple, Amazon & Kindle among others and puts all the great deals you can get together in one place!
 Which is pretty awesome since I go through two or three books in a week.

I decided I would start reviewing some the books here for you all, cause... well why the hell not? I will start with a basic summary & follow with my own thoughts... If you are not interested in the summary which can possibly contain spoilers then just go ahead & skip forward to the "In My Opinion" section of this post. If you do skip the summary because you are going to read the book yourself, please feel free to come back here and share your thoughts! I've always liked the idea of a book club.. :)

The first book I read, is called 
The Academy, Book 1 - Introductions 
by C. L. Stone. 

It's the beginning to The Ghost Bird Series. 

In Introductions you met the main character Sang, a young teenage girl just looking for moment of escape from the shut-it life her family forces on her. Her mother, a slightly aggressive & abusive agoraphobe & a father less than interested. When they move into a new neighborhood Sand takes to daily explorations on her own through the woods around her home. During her trips she realizes one of the houses on the street is vacant and gets an idea. One night, Just one night. If she could sneak out of her house and break in to that vacant house, she could have just one free night. So she plans, packs and is ready to go. Successfully sneaks out but is deterred by pouring rain and her mothers words of the world cruelty casting doubt on her choice. Feeling like she's gone this far, with no turning back she sets out towards the vacant house down the street only to be bombarded by a neighbor dog who knocks her to the ground. Sang meets the dog's owner, Kota as he comes to her rescue. She is struck by his kindness and friendliness along with his handsome looks... Along the next few days she meets his large group of good looking friends whom he seems to be leader of the pack:
Victor- impatient and distant but artistic 
Silas- a big Teddy bear
Nathan- the sporty active one 
Gabriel- Very fashionable & witty
Luke- a happy prankster 
North- bad boy with a soft side

While realizing the boys have some kind of secret connection none of them will tell her about, she notices they all become very protective of her. Being very self conscious she assumes the we worst in every situation, feeling their protectiveness is out of pity or guilt. While the boys do their best to involve her in the group and make her feel as one of them, Sang pushes them away. 

When Silas calls her home one night to check on her, the phone call triggers her mothers paranoia since Sang has done everything possible to keep her friendships with the boys a secret. Even though Sang does her best to convince her mother that it was a call from the new school, her mother feels she still needs to punish Sang, to make her understand she must not have men calling her. In punishment, she forces Sang to drink a vinegar and lemon juice concoction, burning Sang's throat so she can't speak for the next few days. 

Finding out what happens the boys become furious, feeling the need to protect Sang from something like this ever happening again. The boys (mostly Kota) help Sang sign up for her new classes at school, making sure that at least one (if not more than one) of the boys is in each of them. While signing up for the classes Sang gets separated from the boys and meets Dr. Green. He seems nice enough and very willing to help. Taking her back to his office to finalize her classes he introduces her to Mr. Blackbourne. Both teachers seem to take a keen interest in the fact that Sang knows Kota and don't seem happy about it. Though Mr. Blackbourne doesn't seem happy about anything. He's more cold and not interested in Sang until he realizes she likes the violin, an interest he shares. When she finally leaves to find the boys she has 3 AP classes including Japanese (which she shouldn't be allowed until the following year) and a seventh class of Violin with Mr. Blackbourne instead of a study class like everyone else. She finds the boys but misunderstands what she overhears them saying and takes it again as them seeing her as a charity case. She returns home without talking to them and refuses to talk to them for days.

When Kota is finally able to get Sang to talk to him, he calms her down and explains that it was not how they felt about her at all. That they all really cared about Sang and hoped that she would continue to be their friend. But along with their friendship Kota explained that he really needed her to understand that they had secrets they couldn't quite share with her... yet. All of the boys are apart of another school called "The Academy" and are sworn to secrecy. It's not that he doesn't want to tell her, but he can't. He just needs Sang to trust them. After thinking about it and realizing that she has her own things she is not willing to share with the boys about her own life quite yet, she realizes she can live with not knowing their secrets as well. And now she has friends.. exactly what she never knew she wanted until she had it! Now the question is how long will she be okay not knowing...

In My Opinion:

I really liked this book a lot more than I thought I would!
 I realize that essentially the book was just a set-up for the rest of the series, with no real story line.. but I was okay with it. The detailed meeting of the characters got me invested into each one individually before introducing them as a group. Showing each personality on its own before showing the "pack dynamic." When together, the group is exciting and always moving, flowing to and fro almost seamlessly. I worry that Sang might be moving from one form of over control to another, but I don't feel that the latter will be as unhealthy or unsafe as the first. More I feel the boys will be solace, a saving grace for Sang. I will have to keep reading to see...

The next book:
The Academy, Book 2 - First Days
by C. L. Stone.

*** All the Views and opinions expressed here are solely my own. 
I was not asked or compensated in any way to write this post.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Friends cure all

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Friends cure all

With as much calmness as could be expected, I walked in to the living room with Ryan and sat down on the couch across from him.

 "Baby, We really need to talk. Something is different, off between us. I've felt it for awhile.. please be honest with me. Are you seeing someone else?"


One word. One simple syllable. Like this was a normal conversation of me asking if he wanted eggs with his pancakes.

"Okay. If you say no, then I believe you. Then we need to talk about the app I found on your phone, Kik? Why do you have that?"

"I use it to talk to a few of my friends, mostly people at work.. you know, John, Andrew, Tori, Adrian..."

This sounded reasonable enough. They had done this before, used apps to talk at work like "Voxer." So I am just over reacting..

But little alarms were going off in my brain. Telling me I wasnt paying attention, that I had missed something. Something Vital. Something he had said.

"..you know, John, Andrew, Tori, Adrian..."

Wait, Tori? My Tori? My bestfriend? 
Had I not just spent an over an hour talking to her about this whole situation?
I'm positive I had asked her about it, what had she said?

"What's it called? kik? hmm, I've never heard if that. yea that is weird." 
Why did everything feel so wrong.

Ryan must have noticed the change in my face, the realization that he had said something that struck a chord. He began to back peddle. We don't use it often, it was just something new, thought I would give it a try...

But I wasn't listening.

"Jaimie, why are you making that face, what did I say?"
 "You talk to Tori on Kik?"
"Why? Whats wrong with that?"

Why had she lied? Straight out lied? 
My mind was racing with possibilities to counter the deep dark feeling that was blooming deep inside my gut. No. No way. There HAS to be an explanation.

"Well I was just talking to Tori and I mentioned it to her and I could have sworn she said she had never heard of it, but maybe she heard me wrong.. or I heard her wrong."

There was a beat of awkward silence, and then a scramble..
"Wait wait, hunny. Not Tori, YOUR Tori. Tori that I work with!"

As I start to calm down I vaguely remember mention of a new girl named Tori

"Oh, okay. That makes sense, I guess. I understand why your talking to all the boys, they work with you, but isn't she a temporary machine operator? Why are you messaging with her?"

 Why do I care? It's just talking right? What is this awkward nagging at the back of my brain? It's just texting! You have scolded some of your closest friends for overreacting about a text, let it go!

And I tried. I really did. 
I even called Tori the next day to laugh about how I thought for half a second SHE was having an affair with my husband! Ridiculous. I must be losing my damn mind. 

I needed my friend. 
I had been in Spokane for a few months at that point and the only other adult I ever saw was either my father-in-law on a random occasion, or Ryan. I needed girl time.

I knew Tori had also been having a hard time with her husband, & decided to use her need for a little space to my advantage.

"Please come see me? Pleease! I am going crazy, I need some centering. I have a spare room, with a comfy bed. I have been storing toys for Linnie the whole time I've been here. Bring the babe, come enjoy some sun, we will go play up at the cabin, we will BBQ, it will be a blast. PLEASE?!"

After very little convincing, she agreed. We planned on going back to the Seattle area for a local town carnival, so we would talk about it then. While at the carnival, I was able (with help from Ryan) to convince Tori that she really did want to come to Spokane for a little bit. She finally agreed & a plan was set in motion that Ryan would drive back to Seattle at the end of the week early morning Friday, pick Tori up from work and drive her to pick up her daughter. Then They would immediately turn around and head back to Spokane so that she could spend that night, and the whole next day with me before Ryan would drive them back home that night, immediately turning around and driving home. It was a butt-load of driving for Ryan, but he seemed more than happy to do it insisting that he really enjoyed the drive & that it was worth it for me to see my friend who he knew I missed terribly. 

I was more than grateful, and having Tori there even for that short period of time was very relieving. We talked & laughed, stayed up way to late. Ate junk food, and talked about EVERYTHING that was going on between Ryan & I. All my doubts and fears. It was so nice to finally have someone to cry to face-to-face.The next day we took them out to our cabin on the lake. 

But Ryan was still off. Even more so around Tori. 
At the lake is where I really noticed it. 

"Come swim babe! Come Swim with Kai & I!" 
But all I would get is grumbles & grunts. 
"I really don't want to babe. I don't want to swim right now."

I was discouraged. Not wanting to cry in front of my friend while floating in a tube on the lake with my baby, I reluctantly waded back to shore, offering Tori to take Linnie out in the tube. After helping them get situated and sending them out, I went up to sit on the dock with Ryan. I really just wanted to relax in the sun with him & enjoy myself, but he was cold, distant. I tried to lighten the mood by teasing Linnie, to which Ryan joined in. When Linnie made a comment assuming Ryan would retaliate by jumping in to get her, I was surprised when that was exactly what he did! 
Did he not just say he did not want to swim? 
It must have been in the moment, right? 

When he stayed in the water swimming along with Tori & Linnie, laughing & joking like it was the best vacation ever I became uncomfortable. Did he really want to be away from me that badly? Was the idea of sitting with his son & wife that unwanted that he would do the very thing he didn't want to just to get away from us? What is going on? 

And the same thing happened the rest of the day. Ryan avoiding me & Kai, choosing to be closer to Linnie & Tori. I was really confused, so I just avoided the situation.. Acting like I didn't notice. After Ryan left to take them home, I put Kai to bed & cried. 

And cried.

I cried like I had never cried before. 
I was losing him.
What was I going to do?

(To be continued...)


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